(I would like to give a quick disclaimer that this blog post, while kept at a PG rating, is all about p*rn, sex, addiction, and trauma. It is my intention to be real and transparent about these things without promoting or triggering any unhealthy behavior.  Also, I sensor the word p*rn to make sure the internet algorithms and content blockers don’t get any wrong ideas. Thank you.)

For ten years, I was addicted to p*rnography. Despite thoroughly avoiding p*rn early on, I slipped into territory that slowly led to my getting hooked. By the time I realized what was happening, I was consuming it on a daily basis, even multiple times in a single day. What resulted was a decline in mental health, a warped view of reality, and spiritual despair.

Psychological and sexual development is such a strange and complicated thing, and there is A LOT that I don’t understand about it. But it’s something that I want to understand better. What I do know is that there is a big combination of both nature and nurture that is involved in psychological and sexual development. There are some things that just happen naturally for every human. Nearly every person develops a sex drive. There are also things about humans that are unique based on their environments and upbringings, which shape our behaviors and habits.

Another disclaimer; I’m not a psychologist. I didn’t go to any sort of medical school. I just have my experiences, observations, and personal study to share here. And so, I’m not entirely sure how my body and experiences all connect. It’s a big mess of tangled threads. It’s something that I’m unpacking, and I’m sharing some of it to bring to light the dangers of p*rn, but also that there is hope for freedom, healing, and restoration.

Twelve years ago, I didn’t think p*rn was a big problem for me. I avoided it quite diligently and was quite proud of that fact. No dirty pop-up or website was going to catch me! From a very young age, my parents were very concerned with protecting me and my siblings from any sexually explicit material. Dad was especially adamant that my brother and I keep our eyes and minds pure from it. I am very grateful for that. My parents did their best to protect me and my siblings from a lot of unnecessary perversion and trauma. I wish I had understood that better then, knowing what I do now.

“My parents did their best to protect me and my siblings from a lot of unnecessary perversion and trauma.”

But the devil works to twist any and every good thing, and so even the most well intended practices can become traps. My perception of what I was avoiding and why I was avoiding it became distorted. Over time, avoiding lust became my measure for righteousness. If I lusted, I became a disappointment to my parents and God. I think part of me even wrongfully started to believe that simply seeing a woman naked was a sin. The very act of looking at a girl felt dangerous. What if I looked at her the wrong way and ended up lusting? I couldn’t disrespect a girl in such a way! I couldn’t let my dad down like that. I couldn’t dirty myself and disgust God. Looking back, I can’t believe how twisted I got it. 

High school was very awkward for me. Honestly, high school is awkward for every teenager. But I was very insecure around many of my peers. I had a lot of assumptions about what everyone thought of me. I assumed girls didn’t find me attractive or interesting. I assumed boys saw me as weak and wimpy. I got embarrassed about my personality and my athletic capabilities. I wanted to be confident and popular; not a weird shadow. I was very insecure, and kept to myself with a cool, quiet front. 

There was a time in my church’s youth group that a girl teasingly asked me if I was gay. I responded with a very strong “No!”. Being gay as a gross, unchristianly thing. For a long time, I denied any possibility that I could be gay. I was too pure for that. But then, girls never really interested me. Not romantically in any way. I figured that I would eventually go on a date with a girl, and the attractions would suddenly activate. I would find “the one”, we would get married, have a family, and live happily ever after. But those attractions never developed. 

At the same time, I would see other boys and wish that they would notice me. I found myself looking at other men on the internet, admiring the swimsuit and underwear models. It started out feeling strange but harmless, but over time I found myself discovering new things about my body. To be clear, I knew all about the birds and the bees, but there was a lot I didn’t know, and so I didn’t fully understand the things I was feeling as I consumed this material. 

The content I consumed became increasingly suggestive and explicit. More mature, until eventually, I was looking at blatant, homosexual p*rn. I suddenly realized what was going on with my body and what I was doing, and it brought on a terrible crisis of identity. There was a storm of immense confusion and shame let loose in me. I felt like I was extremely broken because not only had I fallen into this lust that I had worked so hard to avoid; I was lusting after MEN! But I was hooked, and my shame pulled me deeper into the addiction. 

“There was a storm of immense confusion and shame let loose in me.”

P*rn, in all its forms, is incredibly poisonous. It takes something that is intended as a deep, intimate, vulnerable, beautiful, and spiritual expressions of love, and twists it into a cheap, corrupted piece of instant self-pleasure for one’s own satisfaction.

P*rn is something that becomes more perverted the farther down you go. It really is a drug. Because like a drug, you eventually don’t get the same high that you first got, so you seek out something more extreme, and it becomes more extreme, and more perverted. 

There’s an unfortunate joke that, whatever you can think of finding on the internet, there’s probably p*rn of it. Very sadly, it’s true. I won’t go into any sort of description here, but it gets truly horrible. The devil has used this perverted form of entertainment to mutilate people in both mind and body. It increases physical and mental illness and self-harm. It promotes violence as pleasurable. Not to mention it’s a huge enabler of sex trafficking.

But what I have learned is that p*rn, as serious as it is, is only a surface level problem. Like other drugs, it’s used to remedy something. It aims to satisfy a hunger. A hunger for intimacy and loving affirmation turned greedy. That is what I was seeking out. I won’t go into describing the sort of content I consumed. All I’ll say is that I sought out the content that fed into my desire for a real, intimate relationship with someone. It fed into what I thought I so greedily wanted and numbed my insecurities. 

But the thing with p*rn is that it’s all fantasy. It’s not real life, and only shows the most perfect, ideal fantasy of what you want. Not only that; it warps what you want. And it affects how you treat yourself and others. It warps your perception of the world and the people around you.

The damage that p*rn did to me was very slow and very subtle. For a time, I thought it was harmless. But eventually I realized how empty I was. I was lonely, anxious, and depressed. I felt gross and perverted. Even things that were perfectly okay and even healthy felt dirty, because I was looking at them through a perverted, sexualized lens. 

“Even things that were perfectly okay and even healthy felt dirty, because I was looking at them through a perverted, sexualized lens.”

I didn’t like where I was going. But it seemed easier to sit and rot than to try and change. Even coming out about my sexuality felt easier than to admit that I had a p*rn addiction. For a long time, I kept it a secret. It was my shameful pleasure that I would deal with by myself. No one had to know I had this gross problem. I’d get over it eventually.

At this point, things seem pretty bleak, don’t they. I’ve been writing quite a bit and none of it has been very nice. But it’s about to turn positive.

It was when I finally submitted my sexuality to God that I started healing. I was ready to turn back to God and do it His way. However, I kept the addiction a secret. I didn’t want anyone dealing with that embarrassing garbage.

But God loves me enough to not let me stay rotting, slowly dying in filth. He has better things for me. 

When I returned to Jesus, the truth set me free. God didn’t shame me. He forgave me, and He took away my shame. The shame of not performing well enough. The shame of not staying pure and holy. The shame of objectifying and hurting people. The shame of failure. Jesus released me from that! His sacrifice on the cross meant that He didn’t hold my sin and failure against me! When I remembered and accepted that, I was free of that shame. I never had to earn His love. I just had to trust Him for my saving. I trusted Him to do the work in me as I obeyed.

This didn’t automatically remove my addiction. As it says in Galatians 5, my flesh is at war with the Spirit. My body still craved the quick, cheap rush of dopamine. Despite being freed from crippling shame, I still felt chained to this addiction. Over time, I confessed my struggle and took steps to break it. 

Ultimately, what has made breaking my addiction possible is God’s Holy Spirit. The apostle Paul writes in Romans 8:6-7, “For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot.” Action and discipline are necessary for overcoming addiction, but relying on our flesh alone, like I did at a young age, will lead to failure. It is the Holy Spirit that gives us life. The Holy Spirit gives us the heart to live a life that is pleasing to God.

“For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot.” -Romans 8:6-7

There is so much more I want to write about this. I want to go into more detail about steps I took to confront my addiction, as well as the psychology of p*rn addiction. I feel it could fill a whole book with all these thoughts. At the very least, more blog posts. For now, I will conclude with this…

The reason I wrote this post is because this month, June of 2026, marks one year since I have viewed p*rnography, and I wanted to mark the milestone in some special way. I wanted to share some of my story to warn against the dangers of both p*rnography and self-righteousness but offer hope as well. In many ways, I feel I still have a long way to go in healing, but the Lord Jesus is continuing to heal, restore, and sanctify me. He is preparing me for good and amazing things! He has gotten me through it and will continue to do so!

“…this month, June of 2026, marks one year since I have viewed p*rnography,…”

Freedom is possible. You do not have to live in an endless cycle of perverted pleasure and shame. Christ has such a beautiful and fulfilling life for you. Trust His goodness and trust His ability. You were made for His real love.